Linger
by Hermonthis
Summary: Ozai/Ursa - It is through slow, small steps that the words between us become larger than we have imagined. And in this vast sea of unspoken bitterness, I finally realize what we have lost in order to gain.


A/N: Done for the Ursai (Ozai.Ursa) LJ community for the month of May. Challenge #2: Mother Bear. I purposely removed quotation marks to try a different style of writing.

* * *

**L I N G E R  
**

_... holding her up in the air ..._

She is pregnant with their first child.

Locked up in a conference room with the other war generals, the second prince of the firenation is impatient with all this talk. Pretending to listen to their talk of strategies and sacrifice and new weapons, he places a hand under his chin in thought, putting up a façade of understanding and mock contemplation.

He rememberes waking up Ursa in the morning, rising from their bed quietly as he places a kiss on her bare shoulder and allows her to sleep.

Ursa is in her last trimester, she is in her ninth month of pregnancy and any day now, her water might break and she will go into labour. She will give birth to their first child and Ozai hides the smile that is creeping on to his lips, not wanting to show the true feelings of joy inside him. These other men wouldn't understand, not right now anyways, the anticipation of becoming a parent. Finally, he will be a father.

If Ozai believes in magic, then this was it. The words repeat (_father, father_) in his head over and over like a mantra, and the more times he says it, the more he believes that the day is today. There is something in his body that tells him that Ursa will go into labour while he is absent, an anticipatory, stomach-churning sensation that tells him that he should be by her side and far away from here.

It's a feeling that he knows cannot be ignored, but for the sake of saving face, he remains in the war room and listened to the men speak.

_oOoOo_

With their first child Ursa is mostly alone, her husband, the second prince overlooked for the throne, is locked up with the other war generals. He barges into the nursery, when he hears too late that she's in labour and gives birth to a baby boy.

As he storms down the hallways, he curses himself and swears that if they should have another child, he won't abandon Ursa again.

There he is.

With Zuko, he lifts his son into the air and the newborn bawls, a sign of a healthy boy and Ozai laughs heartily. You're going to be a troublemaker, my son, he chuckles, you're so lucky to be born of such a fine mother.

The baby swings his arms out, gaining more chuckles and laughs, and Ozai holds him in the crook of his arm, feeling so proud. Ursa watches quietly.

_oOoOo_

With their second child Ozai is there for her in the nursery. It is the exact same room as before and this time, Ozai doesn't storm down the hallways to meet his daughter, he's there to greet her. He wasn't present for Zuko's birth and seeing how delicate the boy was now, eighteen months counting, Ozai spurns tradition and holds Ursa's hand as she shuts her eyes tightly and pushes the baby out.

He is the first one to hold the baby girl in his arms before passing her down to her mother.

What's her name? he asks. Azula, Ursa says tiredly, her brow shimmering with sweat. After your father - Azulon.

Hi sweetheart, she croons, Hello my little Azula. You're going to grow up a strong lady, I can tell. Here, look, it's your daddy. And Ozai holds his daughter with all the pride in the world. As he cradles her in his arms, he whispers her name. Azula… Azula…

_oOoOo_

He rocks the cradle that his daughter is sleeping in. Zuko is with his mother learning how to colour pictures and keeping the watercolours within the lines of the drawing. The latest picture he receives is a family portrait. Ozai secretly smiles when he notices the golden crowns on their heads. Even baby sister Azula, drawn as a sleeping bundle of cloth in Mommy's arms, has her own crown. It is a picture he likes. (He still has that picture, it's in his desk, but now he can't bear to glance at it.)

When Ursa is away with Zuko to visit another part of the country via boat, Ozai is the only one left to babysit Azula. He watches her colour the pictures in her book and nods in satisfaction when his daughter outlines the clothes of the fire nation doll on the page before filling in the gaps.

Where is Mommy, she asks, and he tells her that Mommy and big brother are visiting her grandmother and grandfather, Mommy's parents. Azula is smart, she knows not to ask anymore questions and she continues to colour in the pictures of her book.

Daddy, will I ever go with Mommy?

Yes, princess, once day you can go with Mommy. But right now you're too young to travel alone with Mommy. Zuko is a big kid, he can protect her.

The tone in Daddy's voice rings a small alarm in her head. She knows that Mommy hasn't been feeling well because Zuko has told her, even if he wasn't supposed to.

Azula colours the golden crown on top of Ursa's head a little more, the excess water bleeds onto the paper and the crown becomes a faint circular halo above her mother's head.

_oOoOo_

Ursa knows of her husband's ambition, burning under the embers and gasping for air, he's just waiting for the right moment. Ozai has plans for the world, plans so great that even Iroh worries that his brother's dreams cannot come true.

But Ozai doesn't listen, he's making the world with his hands and watches Zuko grow up. Zuko is an energetic boy, he likes to run in the gardens and Ozai lets him, but when his mother calls then the young prince turns his head in the direction of her voice and his feet stop. His laughing face show the excitement of a boy who's about to go to his first day of school.

Azula is inside the palace, too busy with her lessons. She wants to learn how to read so she can go to the academy, just like her brother.

But a year goes by too quickly. Her children go to the Academy. Ursa is afraid of what will happen to her children when they are out of her sight.

But mostly, she knows that Ozai will miss seeing his children every day.

_oOoOo_

He has to be strong! He's a boy, he will grow into a man; he has to learn to control his emotions, to hide weakness. Zuko can't rule the nation _that _ way, he won't have the strength of body and mind necessary to keep the nation in order. There is the weight of the hundred-year war looming over their heads, there is the threat of the Avatar, there is the threat of everything.

The war is something that Ozai doesn't speak of in front of his children; it is something that he believes is not appropriate for their education. It is something that Ursa disagrees with for she believes that Zuko and Azula should know about all the sides of war. Ozai can picture her face now, lips pursed like a blooming flower and her brow knit together in tightly-closed frustration. She is stubborn, and so is he.

Ursa massages the bridge of her nose and closes her eyes, turning her head away from him. He recognizes these signs; they are the symptoms of one of her headaches. So he says that Lu Ten is not a boy anymore, he's a man and he will do well in the war, just like his father. He wishes that Zuko will grow up just like his cousin, strong and brave, and he will make Ursa proud.

She looks at him with her golden-brown eyes and Ozai for a brief, frightening moment, he wonders if he just lied to her. But that's impossible, it's impossible to lie to her. Instead, he feels inadequate and a little bit lost, even when Ursa is the one asking questions and not him. But he has to be the strong one now, for the sake of Ursa; he has to be confident where she is wandering.

And so, he shivers inside and pushes his insecurities away with both hands, exiling them from his mind and from his face. He seems resolute and confident. He has to look the part.

He steps closer to her.

_oOoOo_

Prince Lu Ten is doing well in the war, but the last letter from General Iroh makes Ursa worry more. She is afraid for her family, and worries for her nephew just as she worries about her son and daughter. Zuko has some trouble making friends, his instructors tell Ozai that he is a good student, but the other mothers tell her that her son is too quiet, too shy. He lacks the brilliance of his sister.

But it is Azula that worries her more. The girl is very talented, but Ursa has already been called once to the academy regarding her daughter's behaviour. Something about setting a classmate's braided hair on fire.

Ozai and Ursa give reports back to Fire Lord Azulon, but don't tell him about the petty details. They're unimportant, they're done rarely, and it will not happen again. Zuko will learn how to play with others and Azula will learn to listen to the teachers.

Their daughter is sent home early. A student caught her pushing another girl and then setting her clothes on fire when the other girl said Azula couldn't play with her group; they already had enough people.

_oOoOo_

Their daughter sits on a chair, her back straight and her chin held high as both her mother and father reprimand her behaviour. It is not right to push other classmates. It is not good to use your firebending to harm others. You are classmates, be friends, not enemies. You have to listen, Azula, you have to listen to your elders.

Azula nods and promises that she will try harder.

Try harder is not good enough for Ozai.

Azula is sent to her room and Ursa sits down on the same chair her daughter previous sat down on. What is it? asks Ozai. It's nothing, I just feel dizzy. It's one of those headaches, again. How do you feel? Hot, my face is very warm, and dizzy.

Ozai's hands reach out to steady her, to give her the comfort against the wave of troubles that she carries around constantly in her head. She is not feeling well, she is getting worse.

As her husband he already knows this, Ursa is sick and she is fighting an illness that is eating her from the inside. Worrying about the family is making it worse. She says that it's just a headache; that her stomach hurts only a little bit, that she just needs to take a nap, but he knows better. He knows that the family is taking a toll on her health.

And for a brief moment, he ponders sending his children to boarding school. It will give Zuko opportunities to make friends and teach Azula discipline. But most of all, it will give Ozai the time to take care of Ursa.

She gets up from the chair and tries to walk. Her hands reach out and grab the sleeves of his robes, keeping her steady from a spell of dizziness that quickly overtakes her.

_oOoOo_

He remembers the way her brow creases when she is displeased. In the last years of their marriage, the frown on her face becomes more permanent until they start to form lines of worry across her forehead that not even he could smooth away.

He is now Fire Lord. He now has an exiled son who has been taken under the wing of his elder brother. They are both running away, one from his past, the other from the future.

The throne is lonely from the top. The bed is lonely at night. The first night she disappeared, he started to count the hours he missed her presence. Then, when the numbers became too many he started to count the weeks since she left. Soon, that lost its luster and Ozai is reduced to counting down the times that his hardened heart of stone cracks and cries a little.

But Ozai doesn't regret, he has forgotten how to regret and with an empire to rule and a daughter to train, he has little time for such sentimentalities. He sought the throne and he received the throne. He had finish this war of his ancestors. He had to find his son. He needed to kill the Avatar.

There are so many things on his mind right now. Thoughts of Ursa are pushed back to the back of his closet and into the seams of his clothes. Her imaginary touch soothes his skin when he sweats under the hot flames of the throne room. Her breath and her eyes are banished from his mind as steel and drills came to the forefront. Her combed hair weaved its way into the recesses of his locked memories and stayed there. If he closes his eyes hard enough, he can still smell the scent of fresh dew-covered roses on her perfumed skin.

Ursa is gone. He doesn't know where she is. He doesn't have the time to look for her. A large part of him doesn't want to look for her, half-fearful of what he might find should he discover her hiding place.

Ozai has the sneaking suspicion that his daughter might know more than he does. Zuko has no idea; the boy was still searching for the Avatar. His son is a failure; he never learned what he was supposed to learn. He was supposed to become a man, make friends, and protect his mother. Azula is another matter. Azula is a good girl; she listens to what her father tells her. She will find the traitors to the throne and she will conquer the world, one city at a time. After all, at least one of Ursa's children has to be successful in this world.

Ozai doesn't regret. He does not hesitate or apologize. He makes plans and he follows them. Ursa is gone. There is no other woman Ozai will love. He is finished with love. She is the last woman who will bear his child. She is gone. He is here.

And Ozai doesn't regret.

But Ursa regrets. She hesitates and apologizes. She thinks, she ponders, she questions. She makes plans, she listens, and she carries out orders. She makes her own rules, no rules bind her. She will stay and she will leave. She will make you cry for her in your troubled dreams and she will make you shout in anger under the noonday sun. She is nothing to you now. She used to be everything. She is the reason why you are sitting on the throne today, yesterday, and tomorrow.

And still she lingers.


End file.
